Working as a relationship coach, my primary expert area is helping people to understand why they attract certain types of people into their lives and how they can get themselves in a mindset that creates the types of relationships that they want.
That usually means working with people that are single and need to understand why they haven’t found the person that they want or are in relationships that require a different approach in order to improve them.
When I work with the single people, some step out into the world of dating and we talk about their new experiences in order to notice what changes have taken place in those that they are now attracted to and how they are going to take this forward.
When making these changes and to be honest, in general I would say, dating can be a nerve-wracking experience for some. The first date type jitters about meeting someone new, especially if you have just spent the last few months looking to change your usual patterns or just haven’t been on a date in a while.
Even if you are a serial dater and have it down to a tee, there maybe things that you can do that will make you feel more comfortable about the whole experience and with spring in the air in the northern hemisphere, people getting out there a bit more and cuffing season coming to an end I thought I would discuss the things you can do in order to build your dating confidence and stop those nerves from overwhelming you for the next person you swipe on, talk to, get introduced to or the many other ways you could meet and arrange that meet up.
When dating or meeting new people in general, is something you really don’t have control over, as you have no idea how that person is going to respond or react to your meeting. But you can get yourself prepared to be the best version of you and go out there with the confidence you need.
You can liken building your dating confidence to anything that you want to practise for, like building your confidence muscles in the gym, we need to set an intention, go through your workout and be consistent.
Things that can help you are:
Ground Yourself
Find your centre before you head out, or are on your way there. Set up a pre date routine of some kind if necessary, so that you can feel calm, collected and confident.
There are many things you can do, like listening to a certain type of music, meditating or mindfulness or talking to a friend on the way about how you are going to be.
Reflect on the times that you have felt most confident and how you got yourself into that space. Practice recreating those moments.
Think About How Great You Are
Practising positive self-talk, focusing on your strengths and why people are lucky to have you in their lives and possibly how lucky this new person will be, will help you to feel good about yourself and that you have some great people around you already in case this date turns out to be a dud! I am big supporter of being proud of yourself and buying into your own successes. It isn’t arrogant or big headed to do so, that comes from a place of insecurity, not real confidence.
Tell Yourself How You are Going to Feel
I use this a lot with my clients who already have difficult relationships in their lives as preparation for being around those that can trigger them.
Putting yourself into the mindset of how you are going to feel regardless of how the person is, allows you to be confident in your ability to predict your emotions, manage any triggers and remain in a good head space. We have no idea how the date is going to go, but you can decide how you are going to feel throughout.
Figure Out What You Really Want in Someone
Knowing what you want and focusing on this is more likely to bring the right person towards you and make you more aware of what to look for when you first meet someone. It also tells you what you don’t want and what red and pink flags to be aware of too and which cross your boundaries. Oh, and get those boundaries ready too. If they are crossed, be then state it calmly and assertively.
Don’t make it about whether this person is going to like you, but more whether do you like them and are they right for you.
Don’t be Worried if it Isn’t Going Well
What if I just want to get up and leave?
It may be impolite to just get up and walk out, or try and escape via the bathroom window, but it is ok to be honest if you really aren’t feeling it, see lots of red flags or just feel uncomfortable.
Something that holds people back from dating is what to do in these circumstances.
Remember it is just a date, you don’t owe anyone anything or need to feel responsible for their feelings. Just be kind, polite and as honest as possible and then tell them that this isn’t right for you and leave. If that seems a little too impulsive or uncomfortable, then tell them as soon as practicable after the dare that this isn’t right for you.
Prep Some Questions
If you are worried that you may run out of things to say and you might, depending on the connection that you establish, you may want to consider things that you would like to know about them. Make them open ended questions so that they need to come back at you with something that isn’t just yes or no. But remember this isn’t a job interview and you don’t want to know their deepest secrets straightaway. Those that share too much or pry too much in the first few dates, I would say is a pink, if not a red flag.
Looking Good
Not to the extent that you are so concerned about your external appearance that it needs to be perfect or the only thing you feel good about, but dressing to impress in a way that builds your confidence, how you feel comfortable and yourself will help you to feel good when you walk into any situation.
Practise Listening
Paying attention, not being distracted, clarifying understanding, not judging or assuming and responding thoughtfully are all active listening skills that you can practise with friends and family prior to going out on the dating scene.
This will not only help your date to feel valued, but will also ensure you don’t miss anything that you are looking for in them too.
Be Vulnerable
What! I hear you cry… being vulnerable doesn’t mean going out there to be hurt.
It can be scary but is a sign of confidence and security within yourself. Being open with how you feel, what you want and need means that you are showing up on this date and it helps build and deepen connection as time goes along. This isn’t something that you would do on a first date, or even the first couple, but knowing you can be will help you face whatever comes your way and stops you worrying about where this could all be going, before it has begun.
Part of my coaching is to help people overcome these blocks to giving of themselves in relationships as it can be a big barrier in creating fulfilling relationships.
Reflect on Your Past Experiences
What has worked out well for you in the past and what didn’t?
Use all those experiences as ways of informing you of what could happen and also of creating the best date possible. Avoiding any mistakes from the past and building your confidence as you embark on a new journey.
There is a fair bit to consider when it comes to relationships as they can be very complicated and complex, especially as you get to know someone and find out if this is something that has longevity or not.
Being aware of the 10 things I have mentioned and I am sure you can probably think of a few more I haven’t, will help overcome a lot of the fear that can be associated with going on a date with someone knew or the prospect of putting yourself out there.
The most important thing to remember, no matter how many of these you put into practice, is that ultimately you are good with you, you are yourself and go on these dates being your most congruent and authentic you can be, being happy being you and exuding the self confidence that will make whatever outcomes that occur, well OK.
