If you are in a relationship that you find draining, it could be that it is actually quite an unhealthy one to be in and could even be toxic!
Here are 5 things that will tell you if this is a good relationship for you:
1. BEING AROUND THEM IS HARD WORK.
When you are in a healthy relationship then you should be enjoying each other’s company. It should feel pleasant to be around them and frankly an easy place to be. If this is not the case then it’s a sign that you’re with someone draining.
Here are 3 things to consider:
A. YOU COUNT DOWN TO YOUR ALONE TIME
Does being alone for the weekend put a smile on your face? Do you feel excited looking forward to a day you’ll get away from your partner?
This is a huge red flag. Your brain is rejoicing from a break from the person who is emotionally exhausting you.
B) YOU NEED TO RECOVER AFTER BEING TOGETHER.
Spending time with your partner makes you feel very tired and need to recharge, if so, it’s a sign that your relationship is draining your energy. If you usually have no problem living daily life but suddenly need a long breather after seeing your partner, something isn’t right for you.
C) CONVERSATIONS ARE EXHAUSTING.
Talking to your partner should generally be a positive experience. Although you will occasionally disagree, if your conversations are frustrating, exhausting, argumentative and generally negative, then this is draining you.
2. YOU’RE IN A NEGATIVE MOOD CONSTANTLY.
Think about the moods that you have in general? Have you noticed that it is a bit ‘blah’? Is it hard to be positive? Do you feel a lack of joy and enthusiasm in your life?
Take a moment and reflect on your mental and emotional state. Are you truly as fine as you pretend to be? And if you are ‘fine’ what does that really mean? Using the word ‘fine’ can mean that you are not okay!
Relationships that are draining your energy do not necessarily mean you’re always sad, angry, or in an awful mood. What they do typically cause is an absence of happiness or joy, leaving you feeling flat. You may even say things like ‘I feel a bit depressed’ or ‘I don’t really have any energy’ or I’m fine!
3. EVERYTHING IS ABOUT THEM
Relationships are about equality. If your partner dominates every aspect of your shared lives, you are in a toxic relationship. Here are some examples:
You may feel like your partner is always dominating all the conversation and every single situation. They might speak loudly or cause a scene to draw attention in public, or they may simply talk over you or cut you off.
This can happen whether you’re talking in a group or it’s just the two of you. They seem to think their voice is more important than yours.
B) CONSTANT PROBLEMS – THAT AREN’T YOURS
When you bring up something that is troubling you, they might cut you off and insist that what they are dealing with is worse. For them, everything is a more important than what you are going through, as it’s happening to them (notice the phrase ‘to them’ – this is part of the victim mentality). Your partner may also seem to be perpetually going through a rough time or feeling anxious. They are unable to step out of their own stuff.
C) THEY’RE ON YOUR MIND
If you spend too much time fretting about your partner, they are draining your energy. If you keep hearing their voice chastising you or can’t stop worrying about what they think of what you’re doing, it is definitely unhealthy.
4. YOU WALK ON EGGSHELLS
Relationships can be peaceful, healthy ones are! If you’re in a relationship, you should feel relaxed and free, and as though you can share anything with your partner and be yourself.
If it’s reached the point where you have to constantly watch every move you make, you are in a toxic relationship. For example, you may:
• Feel nervous about talking about something because your partner might get angry
• Constantly watch everything you do to avoid upsetting them
• Worry that asking for something will cause them great distress
• Avoid certain subjects as you fear your partner reacting badly
• Fear that even the slightest misstep will get you into ‘trouble’
5. YOU FEEL YOU’RE BEING CONTROLLED
In a healthy relationship, each person has their own agency and freedom. In an emotionally abusive one, you feel controlled all of the time.
Your life may feel like it is under a microscope and subject to constant criticism. You can’t be at ease with yourself and are always thinking about who you need to be for them.
They may question you all of the time and make demands of you, such as:
• Where you are meeting friends
• How you spend money
• Why are you going out
• Ask why you need to text or call friends – ask you who it is – demand to see you phone
• Become jealous or seemingly over protective for no reason
These are sure signs that show your relationship is toxic – and it’s abusive. It’s a sign that it’s time to move on.
There a few more signs to consider, but these are enough to think about for now.
I will post the next list of 5 soon.
If you recognise any of these signs and want to confidently manage a toxic relationship then Interpersonal Relationship Coaching is a good way of doing so.
I would be happy to speak to you in confidence by offering a free consultation. Click on the contact button above.