The Language of Love

This could mean many things to many people, body language, subconscious physical and psychological triggers, someone’s smell – but I would put that into the attraction bracket.

Love however and the ‘language’ around this is different.

When I talk about language in this context, I am referring to the book – The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

In the book he describes how you have learnt, through your life experiences, a preferred way to feel loved, cared for, a priority to someone else, or that someone just cares about you.

You will have a mix of these to a varying degree, but have a primary love language that triggers something inside of you to feel/know that the person in question is emotionally connecting to you in the way you prefer to be shown.

Let me tell you what they are and then discuss their implications on your relationships:

Acts of Service

This may sound a bit like you require the other person to be at your beck and call, to wait on you etc.

But it refers to the phrase ‘actions speak louder than words’. For example, you are working hard at your computer and getting a little stressed and your partner just walks up and pops a coffee on your desk. They like to know they are appreciated and that someone will do things to show this.

Words of Affirmation

In a nutshell, if this is your love language, you like positive words of affection. They make you feel understood and cared about.

This could be ‘I love you’ s’, compliments, words of appreciation and verbal encouragement. You could also respond to lots of texts or positive social media interaction.

Quality Time

You love it that your partner wants to spend time with and will actually make time for you.

Always willing, when possible to be together, thinking of things for you to do and when they are with you, giving you their full attention and feeling present.

Physical Touch

As it says on the tin! You love to engage in physical contact and want someone to give this to you too. This could include kissing, holding hands, snuggling up on the sofa and of course, sex.

Connection through the sensation of contact is essential to feel loved.


The visual representation of love. If someone can give you something that means something to you, not the cost of it, but the thought that you put into it, then you will feel as though they care.

They consider that you may like something and that you were on their mind in that moment of the purchase.

It is important to understand that you have a primary way of feeling loved and that the people you are with have their own way too. Giving someone time when they want to hear the words won’t cut it. You may think that they ‘should’ know you care because you always want to be with them, but if you never say it, they won’t feel it. So, figure out or even ask them what they need you to do and express your language in return to them.

If you don’t, then what is given and received will never feel as though it is enough.

You need to be aware that these come from your early interactions as children and are deeply embedded in your subconscious.

There are occasions when they aren’t based in healthy experiences and so the need isn’t healthy either. Gifts may have a high price as you were only shown attention by expensive gifts as a child, the words may need to be said in a certain way as the way you were told as child carried specific meanings and so are tinged with negativity.

You may feel as though you don’t deserve love, so no matter what someone offers it will never make any difference to how you feel.

If you never feel loved, then the people around you may not know how you prefer to receive it, or you are rejecting it regardless. If you keep giving to someone and they say you don’t love them, then you may have it wrong, or nothing you can say will change this until they accept themselves.

It is not as straightforward as knowing these will change everything for the better, but it will definitely help to strengthen the connection in any relationship.

What is your ‘love language’? Could you openly express this to someone and then accept what comes in return if offered? 

Have you already made it clear what you want and they just won’t give this to you, no matter how many times you ask? 

Have you tried to get closer and more connected to someone by giving them what they say they need and it still is never enough? 

If so, then are deeper issues going on and ones that need to be addressed for you to live the happy, fulfilled and quality relationships you could. 

To discuss this in more detail, then click on the contact box or call 07709 350019. We can book in for a free Relationship Breakthrough Session and see how coaching can help you.

Be good to yourself



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