Since the release of my documentary – Forget Me Not – The Child You Left Behind, I have been working a lot more with people looking to explore this part of their lives.
In the documentary we explore the constituent parts of ourselves that do not fit into the environment and relationships that we experience and then what we then choose to do with those parts.
In some cases, you can reject them entirely, even though they are still part of who you are, and in others you just learn to adapt them, but never feel truly congruent with who you are.
With the early relational trauma I have been working with, it is seen that you can develop inner representations of yourself, not only as the abused child, but also as an abuser.
These parts are a natural outcome of a maladapted and disorganised attachment, because, as a child you will still have a need to attach to the person causing the trauma and therefore repeat a pattern of pain and loss.
This can continue throughout your life as you continue to chase love, affection, acceptance etc…
Abuse comes in many forms – emotional, verbal, mental, physical and sexual.
It can be from neglect to directed violence and the impacts of these will vary from individual to individual.
It can impact not only on your brain, but on your body too.
In adult life, this can be a very confusing space as you will often feel abused, but can also become the abuser dependent on your personal situations.
This incongruency is often never really seen or understood by you or those around you, but the triggers to both behaviours are powerful and can become compulsive.
Although these aspects of self are at odds with one another they are inseparable and depend on each other for you to maintain, what is felt as, a safe emotional balance. Protecting yourself from abuse, whilst at the same time being unaware that you are using other coping mechanisms that are abusive.
I refer to something along these lines in my book, The P.E.O.P.L.E. Programme, where, in some relationships I would enter into, I would allow myself to be emotionally and verbally abused which would trigger relational patterns from childhood, I could then act in an abusive way in reaction to this and in other relationships would become the abuser, both were in order to protect myself from deeper meaningful connections.
Understanding why these parts of yourself exist will allow an acceptance that these play out within your subconscious, how they impact on your life and give you the ability to move away from them.
To gain a deeper awareness and understanding of yourself is imperative for you to be able to experience healthy relationships.
To bring all of your constituent parts together, allowing those that you have suppressed as well as the prominent ones there for your defence, can create an authenticity within you that allows you to truly accept who you are and be confident that the life you live is one on your terms, ultimately the one that you want and not the one you feel compelled to live based on your past.
For more information how Interpersonal Relationship Coaching (IRC) can help you in your life, or someone that you know, then please contact me for a consultation.
Call 07709 350019 or contact me directly on here.
I look forward to speaking to you.
Be good to yourself.
John
